


An Ember of Hope

by Iamyournexus



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Love, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 20:41:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29424732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iamyournexus/pseuds/Iamyournexus
Summary: Inspired by the song "Silhouette" by Owl CityLyrics in the endnotes.
Relationships: Mary Morstan/John Watson, Sherlock Holmes/John Watson
Kudos: 2





	An Ember of Hope

I’m tired.   
Exhausted.   
The nightmares have come back with a vengeance and there’s nothing that will stand in their way. They haunt me.   
_He_ haunts me.   
No matter where I look, he’s all around me.   
An ever-present reminder that he’s gone and will never return.   
Haunted by what never was, but oh so desperate to be real.   
I’m tired of being tired.   
I’ve lost people before, but not like this. Not like this.   
This grief wrenches my heart too tight. I can feel the splintering, the shattering of its last remnants left in me. Every thought, every afterimage, every touch that lingers on my skin reminds me of how alone I truly am without him.   
There were endless tears and now there are none. I feel like I’ve given them all, but when that thought crosses my beleaguered mind, I am instantly reminded of my idiocy. There will always be tears for him. It’s all I can offer him now. It started the night we met and never stopped. The first spark that lit the fire in both of us. The embers slowly stoked every day until that fatal moment, that fatal phone call. When he left, so did the fire. Yet, an ember remains. Just one. One that I will keep with me always.   
An empty hearth with only a single ember. Is it hope? Is it love? Is it my last shred of sanity?   
I feel I am nothing without him.  
I am cold and numb.   
A shadow of my former self.   
I am both terrified and grateful for the day I will forget. Although, I know that day will never come. How could I possibly forget my heart?   
Grief is my only companion. It holds me close, reminds me of the pain whilst giving me hope.   
Hope. Never was such a more painful emotion.   
The hope that I will see him again. The call to see him again. The siren of release never ceases.  
How easy it would be to see him again. But even with that, I cannot bring myself to do.   
Hope paralyzes me and as much as despair.   
  
I cannot rewrite the history that has already occurred.  
I have regrets. Most of which involve you. More _should-haves_ than have nots.   
I chose you, but it was too late.

Should I delete you?

But how does one delete the sun? Block out the stars that shine through the darkness?   
I came back to you, but you had moved on. Wasn’t that supposed to be the plan? To keep you safe and for you to have the life you deserve.   
My jealousy. My forced smile.   
I will try. For you. Always. For you. Despite the pain.   
I have died for you. I have killed for you.  
This ember of hope you have given me hurts more than all the scars. It is a light that both eviscerates and invigorates me.   
You chose her. You forgive her.   
You have forgiven me. I have to believe that is enough. It will have to be.   
I look away when you kiss her. It should be me. But it’s not. It never will. Alone is what I have. What I’ve always had.   
I make you smile before I leave because I need to see it one last time.   
That smile. A beacon.   
Where I’m going, there will be no light. No for me. Not anymore.   
Yet, you bring me back from the edge once more. Why? I no longer know. I am so alone.   
Why do you continue this torture? In my mind, I beg you to never stop. I will accept everything you offer me, even pain. All the pain. I will do this for you. Always.   
A new life begins and another dies.   
A currency has been given, one I do not know how to spend. 

It is what it is.   
We are both in agony. No salve strong enough. We only have each other now.   
We share the ember between us. It’s so small now that it barely glows. There is no warmth.   
Yet, it is _still_ here.   
We can’t help but think that perhaps that means something.   
Perhaps hope no longer means pain. We have bled enough. Given enough. Can we be so bold now to think that this can finally be the end?   
No more torture.   
No more pain.   
No more grief.   
Just the light of a small fire once more. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm tired of waking up in tears,  
> 'Cause I can't put to bed these phobias and fears  
> I'm new to this grief I can't explain;  
> But I'm no stranger to the heartache and the pain  
> The fire I began, is burning me alive  
> But I know better than to leave and let it die  
> I'm a silhouette asking every now and then  
> Is it over yet? Will I ever feel again?  
> I'm a Silhouette chasing rainbows on my own  
> But the more I try to move on the more I feel alone  
> So I watch the summer stars to lead me home
> 
> I'm sick of the past I can't erase,  
> A jumble of footprints and hasty steps I can't retrace,  
> The mountains of things that I still regret,  
> Is a vile reminder that I would rather just forget  
> (No matter where I go)  
> The fire I began, is burning me alive  
> But I know better than to leave and let it die  
> I'm a silhouette asking every now and then  
> Is it over yet? Will I ever smile again?  
> I'm a silhouette chasing rainbows on my own  
> But the more I try to move on the more I feel alone  
> So I watch the summer stars to lead me home
> 
> 'Cause I walk alone, no matter where I go  
> 'Cause I walk alone, no matter where I go  
> 'Cause I walk alone, no matter where I go  
> I'm a silhouette asking every now and then  
> Is it over yet? Will I ever love again?  
> I'm a silhouette chasing rainbows on my own  
> But the more I try to move on the more I feel alone  
> So I watch the summer stars to lead me home  
> I watch the summer stars to lead me home


End file.
